Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Colour my life

In lieu of writing anything new, here is another attempt at stand up from last night. I tried some new jokes, jokes that I didn’t steal from here for a change and some went down pretty well. Others, not so well. Still learning, still writing, still keeping my day job.

Try to enjoy, and remember to have a crack yourself at some point, it is great fun.

1 in 12 men and 1 in 400 women are colour blind in Australia,  I do not know the exact stats anywhere else but they are roughly on the same level in western countries, so I am not a freak.

But I may be a super freak, because some geneticists believe that colour blindness mutated so that we can see through some animal camouflage, including the dicks who wear camo pants in Rundal Mall. You are not fooling anybody but yourself. Unless you are in the actual defence force, hunting and you are out bush, or in a forest trying not to be seen, camouflage gear is never appropriate.

Is it my super power? I would have to say no.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

10 Reasons why you should not have sex mid April

 (Or 10 reasons why having your birthday near Christmas sucks big time)

With December here Christmas preparations for families are in full swing. Shops that have been trying to spruik decorations and paraphernalia since October can now justify their keenness because everyone is starting to go bonkers. Shops and car parks are starting to go mental as Christmas gets closer and closer so people get more and more mental and present selection gets crappier and crappier.

I am one of the unlucky few to have my birthday close to Christmas; five days before Christmas for those playing at home. Having a birthday close to Christmas is inconvenient at best, so much so that I feel it is my duty to inform you to keep things in your pants, wear a sheath, jump up and down or whatever with the following 10 reasons why you should avoid having kids with Christmas birthdays...

  1. It is hard to have a party, or at least solely for your kid. There are parties happening all around, and there already is an abundance of lollies, pies, cake, and chocolate wafer sticks kicking about, but all your friends and all their kids and all your kid’s friends will be busy. They will be doing family stuff, or end of year Christmas drinks with work, sporting clubs end of season presentation nights, etc. I had my 21st birthday in April just so I could make sure my friends were available to come. I know if they were my real friends they would come hell or high water, but I did not want them to have to decide between me and their family.
  2. There will be birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper. I know its only paper, and you have heaps lying around and it is so cheap, but you don’t it for the other kids. Make a damn effort. The same goes for relatives who are sending birthday and Christmas cards with cash; send two cards. Sounds simple, but people don’t because everyone is busy. See number 1 for the main reason.
  3. You will get relatives and friends who say that this is the Christmas and birthday present. Even if one of the presents does equal two presents, it is still not good enough in the eyes of you and/or child. You will have no control over this because times are tough in many places in the world, people are cheap and everything is going bonkers. See number 1.
  4. They will watch other kids throughout the year having a day off for their birthday. If you are the kinds of parents who will let your kids stay home from school on their birthday, consider having all of your children stay home, or send them all to school. If the date is only sometimes falling in the holidays, do it all the same anyway.
  5. I never had a birthday at school, this may sound grand to those who never got a day off and never had parents like those from number 4, but I never had a class sing happy birthday to me. I never got to be the happy show off kid who thought they could get away with more because it was their birthday. And you get more cake!
  6. Nobody really knows or says happy birthday. They are somewhat distracted by saying Merry Christmas (so at least someone is getting a happy birthday). Milestones are forgotten because there is simply no one around. You should have seen number 1 by now. Facebook is helping people to remember, but a wall post is not the same, we want human contact.
  7. Your child has to wait an entire year to celebrate something. And then what happens? Number 1, that’s what.
  8. Try to book a table in somewhere; it’s either shut or full of Christmas parties.
  9. T'is the season to sit around in airports or slow moving traffic. I live away from my parents, so if they or I want to see them for my birthday, someone has to travel. The planes are always full and there are always dickheads in caravans or camper vans doing 40 km/h (25mph) under the speed limit. Relatives will be risking their lives travelling to see your child, what if something was to happen to them? How would that sit on your child’s conscience?
  10. And every shop you go into persists with Christmas carols. Not related to having a birthday, but it just shits me in general.
By all means, go forth and practise as much as you want in April, and just to be safe March, but the best thing you can do is pop them out in October or wait until January. These things may seem trivial to you, but they make a difference on the day.