Sunday, March 10, 2013

10 things you should learn

In lieu of writing anything with substance, I give on to you another list. I know I have promised some more videos of some of my stand up, and they are coming, I am just waiting until I nail a performance and have good footage of it.

This list came about when I was lying in bed coughing my guts up last night. I am sick. I don't get sick very often but I am sick. SA has a public holiday on Monday, the Fringe Festival is in town (the second biggest arts festival in the world), I have new jokes to prepare for a gig coming up, and my body has decided on being sick. If I didn't know better I would think my body is being a jerk.
  1. Changing your name to Bob will not make you more buoyant. Palindromic, but not buoyant. 
  2. Only make friends with people who are shorter than you, you will forever be their King. Plus you get to show off by getting things off shelves.
  3. Exercising willpower is harder than exercise. I would rather eat a packet of Tim-Tams and run 8ks than do neither.
  4. When life gives you lemons, open a market store and flog them for 50c each.
  5. Economies come and go but jeans are forever, and sometimes that long between washes.
  6. Pillow fights are only fun when your winning or you're all in underwear. In which case you're winning.
  7. It's not the heat or the humidity that kills you, its constant need to tell me the weather on Facebook.
  8. Bottled water is bad for you, because paying for it just proves you're an idiot.
  9. Fitted sheets are only impossible to fold when you care.
  10. I let someone walk a mile in my shoes. They got a new perspective, I got athletes foot.


  1. The one about pillow fights is definitely true ... and if it's a bunch of cute guys in their underwear having a pillow fight, then I'm definitely winning.

    1. Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do

  2. On number 1, I'm glad yoy mentioned this now as I was going to call my first born Bob Floater, in the hopes of producing the next Michael Phelps. I figured that a child named Bob Floater would be destined for greatness, and not ritualistic schoolyard bullying.

    Hope you feel better soon, and I hope to see your standup performances soon, even if you have to do them with a thermometer in your mouth.

    1. How did you do that? I am feeling better now...

      I was meant to have a gig this Saturday but it has been cancelled. My next one will be on the 20th of March, but this is a notoriously difficult gig.

      You may have to wait a little longer I am afraid

  3. I got into a pillow fight with all of my sexy friends, and we were in our underwear and we were kissing, and I thought I was winning, but then I realized we were all men. Then it didn't feel like winning at all.

    (Oh, and feel better soon)

    1. Hey man what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

      And thanks for the sympathy, I wasn't fishing for some, but I am happy to take it (not in reference to the pillow incident)

  4. Replies
    1. You can put a complaint in the complaints box if you'd like, but it's on the top shelf.

      There is no ladder.

    2. I'll get it down using my own hatred of you as a crotch.

  5. I actually bought new sheets last year. My first ever in my entire adult life. Which is when I learned the horrible truth; it's nearly impossible to put on a new fitted sheet. Every time I have to fight with that last corner, begging and pleading and cursing and wrestling until I can fight it over that smug faced mattress.

    You know, cause mattresses are such jerks.

  6. Hey, I missed this one!! And I miss you, too :(

  7. I agree 100% with 6, 7, and 9, and laughed at the rest.

    Plus, you're blogging and you're sick! I haven't blogged much in ages, and I'm just busy! you win.